Today, this weird thought came to my mind….about how I’ve changed as a person. This is not as weird a thought I guess.
In my teens and until the age of 24, I was this girl who, maybe did not know what she wanted, but knew what she did not want. I had this amazing control over my thoughts and feelings which I seem to have lost now! I had this magical talent of going against what I felt like doing, when I knew doing certain things was not in the best of my interests. I was a very lonely person back then, all my emotions locked up within me. Lonely by choice maybe? I always took pride in the fact that I can survive on my own and I did not need anyone (except for my family of course). I wore this look (mature?) which was too old for my age. I would give a look of disgust (in my mind) to anything and anyone that seemed silly to me. I took myself a little too seriously, and I hated it when others didn’t treat me likewise. This made me vulnerable and it was quite a task for me to move on and forgive when I was hurt. I spoke only when I was spoken to. I did not make any friends in the first 2 ½ years of my career in a BPO! Unbelievable? I felt no one around was mature enough or genuine enough to be friends with. I was this no non sense girl who was absolutely confident about who she was. I had the least emotional attachment with people around. I simply adore this aspect of that girl. Being lonely is not that bad after all! I think being with myself is what I miss now. Something which gave me immense strength I suppose. I do spend time alone even now. But there is a difference. I am constantly occupied by thoughts about people around me …more specifically people in my life. This is not to say that I blame the people around me for losing the strength that I once had. I am glad that I have all the people that I do have, as a part of my life. Apart from these people, there were other incidents in my life that changed me. Things that I've learnt are:
- Do not take yourself too seriously, so that you don’t get disappointed or hurt. And more importantly, MOVE ON!!
- Expressing your emotions is not a crime, as long as they are genuine.
- Its ok to make mistakes, do not be too harsh on yourself. (I’ve been taking undue advantage of this lately)
- Genuine and trustworthy people do exist in this world, people who are worthy of being your friends.
- It’s absolutely alright to be a kid and let loose once in a while.
I so want to bring back that girl in me. I need to start my journey towards rediscovering myself. What I am essentially looking for is a balance between who I was and who I am. I need to strive really hard to get the self control back. And I know who can help me with this. Someone who’s been there with me, when nobody was! J
P.S. Listened to Crash and burn by Savage Garden…fell in love with it.
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